wow.

one year ago today, we were on a plane at this very moment. on a plane to guatemala. one year ago today, we knew we would meet our daughter the following day. i can't even describe my feelings. i have been very emotional the last week or so. our lives have changed COMPLETELY in the last year. stella is our whole world. on one hand, we can't believe it has already been a year. on the other hand, we feel like she's always been with us!

things haven't always been easy in the last year. we've been through alot. i have chosen not to talk about alot of it because it's what i do. but i think it's time. stella's adjustment to her life here with us was amazingly easy. michael's adjustment to fatherhood was seamless. he is SUCH an amazing father. my adjustment to motherhood, however, is another story. i honestly had moments when i thought there wasn't a motherly bone in my body. i had read many, many stories on other blogs about mothers who had that "instant" connection with their children. i didn't expect that for myself, but i also didn't expect things to develop as slowly over time as they have. don't get me wrong. of COURSE i loved stella the instant i saw her. i just didn't feel like a mother. she always preferred michael over me and it was difficult for me. i spent tons of time crying wondering what was wrong with me. i was frustrated and sad.

well that was the beginning. things are totally different now :) very slowly, i turned into her mother. apparently, i AM motherly :) i DO have patience. i DO know how to handle her tantrums. i DO know how to make her happy. i DO know what she is saying when NOONE else does. i DO love her more than life itself. it just happened. i woke up one day and realized that i am stella's mom. she is my daughter. and this is exactly how things are supposed to be. we have SO much fun together. i am still a goer and doer. i have to constantly remind myself to SLOW DOWN and enjoy every second with her. we are going to wake up one day and she will be 13 and completely embarrassed by us :) so for now, i am loving having an almost 2 year old :)

i do wonder how being an adoptive mother is different from a birth mother. i wonder if i had given birth to stella if i would have felt totally differently. would i have still had a hard time in this transition to being a mother? this is one thing i will never know. it doesn't make me sad anymore. i know that i am stella's mother and that God made her just for us. i KNOW THAT inside and out. but it still makes me wonder. as every, single friend - one by one - gets pregnant and has their children, it actually makes me feel even more isolated from that world. it's a world that i will never know. it seems like a parallel universe for about the first 9 months and then seems to collide back as one. do i isolate myself, or is it just that all new moms need a transition period? i'm thinking it might be a little of both. for now, i'm just going to separate myself, both to respect "the transition" and to protect my heart a little. there are still some tender spots in there that i choose to ignore most of the time. it's easier to ignore if i protect them.