29 August 2007
time seems to keep moving . . . very quickly . . . and we still don't have our daughter. how do i feel about this? ANGRY today. probably ANNOYED tomorrow. and probably SAD the day after. this seems to be my normal, never-ending cycle. of course i still have no news to report. 2 nights ago i went into Stella's closet and went through all her stuff. i started organizing her clothes into sizes. i just needed to be around her things. things that hopefully soon she will be wearing and playing with. it feels wrong for me to ask "why me" because i am not BY ANY MEANS the only person to be going through this. but, here i am, asking it nonetheless. i feel ashamed to even type that. i am SO BLESSED in SO MANY WAYS. yet, i feel this hole in my life. a hole that seems as though it may never be filled. sometimes i can ignore the feeling. other times i feel like there's no room to feel anything else, like the feeling will just swollow me up.
21 August 2007
we received new pictures and a medical update yesterday. the pictures were taken on August 9. she weighed 14 pounds and was 60 cm tall. she is healthy, active, social, smiles, and holds her head up. she is absolutely beautiful. she is getting big and we aren't even IN family court yet. i'm depressed about it again. why oh WHY does this have to be such an emotional roller coaster?
09 August 2007
This was taken (we think) at Stella's 3 month dr appt. We received this set of photos on July 9.
*I was SO SO SO excited when we got the second set of photos. Then, when I received the third set it really hit me that we are missing SO MUCH. I think she has changed SO SO SO much between our referral photos and her 3 month photos. She looks like SUCH a big girl now! AND, she is FOUR months old now. Obviously she has grown even more . . . I wish we could put her in a bubble until we get her!!! This waiting is so much harder than I expected. I'm usually ok until I get pictures. Then it hits me all over again.
*I've been thinking alot lately about the kind of mom I want to be. I want to be the mom that just does everything I do now with Stella in tow. I want to be the mom that has more patience than I ever thought possible. I want to be the mom that never yells. I want to be the mom that is always happy. I want to be the mom that always knows what to do and how to do it. I want to be the mom that "always knows", even when noone tells her. I want to be the mom that is always prepared and always on time. I want to be the mom that always has a clean house. These are just a FEW of the things I want to be. But, I'm not sure I'll ever be any of these things. These are the things my mom is, not the things I am. It's so difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that I am a mom. Most of the time I don't feel old enough to be a mom. Obviously I am and I want to be one more than anything, it's just so ODD to think of myself this way. I just keep telling myself that it will all come . . . eventually. Currently though I am an impatient, yeller who is happy part of the time. [read: can't stand to wait for ANYTHING - yell when I'm happy, mad and everything in between :) - not always one to look on the bright side of things.] I also never seem to know what to do or how to do it. I can usually figure it out, but I never just know. (I think that was kindof a "look on the bright side" comment!!!! Maybe that's a turn in the right direction!!!) My mom ALWAYS ALWAYS knows EVERYTHING even when I don't tell her . . . how is that?!?!?!?!?! I'm hoping the day we get Stella I inherit that quality. Always prepared (usually I think) - always on time?!?!?! not so much. I used to be on time always. Then, I married Michael. Now, I seem to run on his time (which seems to be in another category all-together.) Clean house? Well, considering I work 2 jobs right now and we are trying to get a business off the ground that's a big fat NEGATIVE and it drives me CRAZY!!!! I love having a clean house, but the time to do it is another story. Obviously when Stella comes home things will be changing, but right now this is me. And my life is I-N-S-A-N-E. OUR life is insane. If you told me a year ago that this is where we would be and how our lives would be I would have laughed in your face. When we lived in South Carolina we were so different. But I have to admit that I love our life. Even when it is hard and waiting for Stella seems INFINITE, I would not change a thing. We have learned so much about ourselves over the past year and are so much stronger than we thought we were. Although I am SO SO SO ready for a change. And her name is Stella. She already holds my heart.
06 August 2007
Went to Denver for my Jilli's bachelorette party. We then drove to Steamboat Springs for the festivities. It was more fun than I bargained for. Worth every moment and then some. And the drama from the weekend continues . . . but that's another story . . . one NOT to be told in blogland :)
Laura, me and Jill : they drove to my parents the morning of the shower. I can't wait for you BOTH to meet Stella! She will love you as much as I do!
I LOVE YOU ALL!