today.

january 30 will be 8 weeks in pgn. do i think we will miraculously be OUT that day? no. i do expect some kind of update though. this date is significant in my mind, although i'm sure it's not in anyone else's mind. i have been counting dates since we started this process. and let me tell you, counting dates is exhausting. i feel like the last year we have spent waiting has seemed like we are waiting for something to begin. but the reality is that this is my life. this moment right now. i don't want to miss it because i am missing stella. i want my life back. i don't want this process to dominate my mood or my feelings or anything else. it is a part of me, there is no denying that. i don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to be sad anymore. yes, this process sucks right now. but once it's over, and we have stella home with us, i know i will look back at this time and realize it was one of the best decisions we ever made. knowing that will be the outcome, however, does not make it easier right now. BUT, i am reminded of a most fabulous quote that i keep on my desk :

"for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. happiness is a journey, not a destination." ~souza

now, that being said, am i still sad that stella is not here, where she should be? yes. do i see an end in sight? no. am i frustrated and annoyed? yes. but the fact remains that i can not change it. no matter what i do, this is my life. and the majority of it is pretty great.