lists.

so i am sitting here this evening make my THOUSANDTH list for this trip. how does one make a list for a trip to meet & pick up the child they have been hoping and praying would become a reality? i have no idea. which might explain why i have so freaking many of them. whatever. i think making the lists is keeping me sane right now. so i'll just pretend they really do make sense.

i was reading some other blogs tonight. some of them for people still stuck either IN pgn or in limbo trying to GET IN pgn. my heart is so heavy for you right now. i go back and forth between being so happy to be out of that position and feeling completely guilty for being out of that position. i know all of our situations are different. some of us have tried for YEARS to have children. some of us have biological children. the circumstances don't actually mean all that much. what matters is that each of us have a child in Guatemala (or some other country) that we are aching to love . . . aching to bring home. please know that i am thinking of you. that i hope one day we meet with our guatetots. that i remember the aching. that there is still a part of me that does not believe i am really leaving to get my daughter.

i have tried so hard to be positive throughout this process. but i wasn't most of the time. i can put a brave face forward, but i have been in some very dark places over the past 4 years. do i believe those dark days will end once i have Stella home? no. i know i still have lots of work to do. but just for a little while i am going to allow myself to be blissfully and truly happy.