so true.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~E.M. Forster

i can't say that this is an easy one for me . . . but had i not been able to let go, i would not have my stella. i'm so ready for the life that is waiting for us!

a little pick me up.

just when i needed something to get me through our next little "wait" i received photos in my inbox yesterday. she has gotten so big. it makes me sad that we've missed so much already. these last few weeks are going to be really hard but i know they will go by really fast at the same time. thank you everyone for all your congratulations for our OUT call. it's so wonderful to have so much support.

What's next?

i still can't believe we are OUT of PGN. i honestly think i was starting to believe it would never happen. so utter shock is what i felt initially. then i cried. when i told michael his eyes lit up and we just hugged and said over and over how we can't believe it is really going to happen. on friday we were just really REALLY excited. then saturday my parents were in town, so they helped me get ALL of stella's clothes washed and organized. i can CHECK that off my list! and by sunday we were back to feeling the wait. don't get me wrong, we are still on a high . . . but we still have some waiting to do. this is what we are waiting on :

* birth certificate issued : this will list Stella's birth first and middle names and change her last name to OUR last name!!!!! at this point Stella is legally OURS!!!!!

* passport issued : once she has a birth certificate with OUR last name, she can then get her Guatemalan passport

*submit to US Embassy : we must then request the orphan visa to enter the US

* DNA authorization : this is also referred to as having orange (the color of the paper it is issued on) : stella has already had 1 dna test to verify that she was given up for adoption by her actual birth mother : THIS dna test is simply to verify that she is the same baby that we started the process with (to verify no swap has been illegally made) - once we have the authorization the test can be completed (at a lad in the US) and then must be sent back to the US Embassy in Guatemala

*final medical : stella must have 1 more appointment with an embassy approved doctor

* PINK : this is the paper that our US Embassy appointment date is issued on (it happens to be on pink paper) : this will tell us WHEN we must be in Guatemala and we start PACKING and making our travel arrangements

i have been told by our agency to expect the above steps to take approximately 6-8 weeks. while in Guatemala we will go to the embassy appointment and then we get to come HOME. i am nervous and excited and scared. i just can't believe this is REALLY going to happen. i think i'm STILL in shock! i'm not sure any of this will feel real until we get HOME with her.

OUT!!!!!

yep, that's right. you read it correctly! We found out on Friday that our case was released from PGN that exact same day!!! we should travel in roughly 6-8 weeks barring any further complications!!!! i can't even believe it. some of you (family and close friends) may be wondering what's coming next . . . i'll post more tomorrow about our next steps.

YAY!!!! stella really IS coming home!!!

7 weeks

in pgn. i'm still counting even though i don't really know if our case is being processed or not. obviously i'm hoping it is, but no - i don't know for sure.

we are still plugging away at our to-do list of house projects. i made a HUGE comprehensive list for our interiour renovations. it's a little daunting. but not as bad as our old house in south carolina. but we have been surprisingly productive over the last 2 weekends. so i'm happy about that. i think michael is going to work on finishing the crib this weekend. that's the very last room decorating. although i still have to move the remainder of my clothing from stella's dressers to our new dresser in our room. once i have that done i can organize her stuff :) then it will be COMPLETELY done and ready for her to come HOME. it's such an odd thing to have a nursery and no child. tons of diapers and wipes and toys and a stroller and a car seat and still no child. it's even MORE odd that once those last little things are completed in her room it will be the only one in the entire house that is completely DONE. the adoption process is full of such emptiness. the only thing that makes it bearable is the end result.

OUCH!

i think i have a cramp in my right finger from clicking send/receive in my email . . . just in case i were to receive a case update, or photos, or SOME GOOD NEWS from our agency . . . i'm sure we will get bad news, but i still have a very small glimmer of hope that we will be OUT in February - early February. good thing i'm not holding my breath though.

today.

january 30 will be 8 weeks in pgn. do i think we will miraculously be OUT that day? no. i do expect some kind of update though. this date is significant in my mind, although i'm sure it's not in anyone else's mind. i have been counting dates since we started this process. and let me tell you, counting dates is exhausting. i feel like the last year we have spent waiting has seemed like we are waiting for something to begin. but the reality is that this is my life. this moment right now. i don't want to miss it because i am missing stella. i want my life back. i don't want this process to dominate my mood or my feelings or anything else. it is a part of me, there is no denying that. i don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to be sad anymore. yes, this process sucks right now. but once it's over, and we have stella home with us, i know i will look back at this time and realize it was one of the best decisions we ever made. knowing that will be the outcome, however, does not make it easier right now. BUT, i am reminded of a most fabulous quote that i keep on my desk :

"for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. happiness is a journey, not a destination." ~souza

now, that being said, am i still sad that stella is not here, where she should be? yes. do i see an end in sight? no. am i frustrated and annoyed? yes. but the fact remains that i can not change it. no matter what i do, this is my life. and the majority of it is pretty great.

clarification.

finally. i heard from our agency today. they did confirm that cases already in pgn are continuing to be processed. the problem (with needing to register with the central authority) will come if we get kicked out again. i still feel the same way as yesterday. blah. it doesn't even feel real anymore. i still feel completely defeated. maybe i just need a weekend for it to wear off. i dunno. we are still working on our 'project list' though. just in case we really do become actual parents in the next few months. i just want to reiterate how WRONG this entire thing is. there is NOTHING positive about this situation (in my mind) and right now, if ANYONE tries to make this into a positive thing i seriously might punch them. although i DO love to hear that once we bring her home none of this will matter - so thank you to Sarah who commented yesterday. i've heard this before, but it was a lovely reminder. ok, must work now. it's been a difficult week for me, but i still can't get stella out of my mind. she is in my every thought. and THAT is how it is supposed to be. the only difference is that she should be in my every thought because she is what i am looking at. right in front of me.

whatever.

i am so beyond frustrated with this process. i just got an email from our agency stating that although pgn is temporarily not processing cases, our case is still in pgn. i find this odd considering one of the mom's whose blog i read got OUT of pgn just yesterday. it seems pretty impossible for someone's case to be released from pgn if pgn is not processing cases?!?!?!?! don't ya think?!?!?!?! how is it that our agency has staff down there, but never seems to know what is going on? i'm just going to go about my days thinking pgn IS processing cases . . . whatever. i'm so done with this whole thing. i'm exhausted. having a child is NOT supposed to be this hard. i don't care at this moment what anyone has to say, unless they tell me we are out of pgn. i'm so tired of trying to have faith. i'm so tired of trying to believe this is how things are supposed to be right now. this is NOT how things are supposed to be. stella is supposed to be here with us. i'm in a miserable mood. i don't want to even think about the adoption right now. i'm so tired of a "pending" adoption running my life. i just want my daughter. i'm tired of wanting to be a mom. i just want to be one already! i just want this to be (insert long stream of vulgar profanities) finished! with stella home OBVIOUSLY. with us. here. in her home. in her bed. in her room. now. no more being optimistic (or trying to be). i'm angry. this is just the most rediculous thing i've EVER experienced. i feel like throwing myself on the floor and kicking and screaming. and NO i DON'T want to talk about it. i'd rather pout.

in

for 5 weekd this round. but most of it was during the holidays. i would be very surprised (but also ecstatic) to be out in 3 weeks!!! we NEED to get out without any kickouts. because of the passing of the ortega law in guatamala, i'm afraid that if we get kicked out again it will cause MAJOR delays. so PLEASE say a prayer that we have no more kickouts!!! i have yet to hear anything from our agency about the newest development in guatemala and am a little more than annoyed by it since i emailed frantically on friday after reading the latest update on the JCICS website. but whatever. i know it's not our caseworkers fault that she has no idea what is going on. i don't really thing anyone knows what is going on. so i'm just going to PRAY and HOPE and BEG that we have no kickouts and are out of pgn in the next few weeks. the weekend was a little rough after reading that news, but i just chose to ignore it. i can handle things SO much better if i'm oblivious, so no more reading those updates for me. i'm just going to continue working on our project to-do list as if everything is normal. even though my life has been everything BUT normal since before leaving south carolina a few years ago. at least God is keeping things interesting! our lives are DEFINATELY NOT boring, that's an absolute certainty. so i'm delaying posting our to-do list until we have a couple of things marked off :) that way when i post it it will seem like we are SO ahead of the game! HA! ok, must work.

HELLO 2008!

happy new year! finally. this year we will become parents. yesterday morning i woke up with a big ole smile on my face at that exact thought. i know that technically we are already parents since Stella is already born. however, since she isn't home yet, it doesn't feel like we are parents.

i was definately having a moment when i wrote my last post. there WERE good things that happened last year! actually LOTS of them. it's just that for some reason, the bad moments are the ones that were sticking out that day. so maybe i should rephrase how i feel about 2007 in the words of Jennifer (Shiloh's momma) : "So I am thankful for the past year, though not sorry to see it go, and am anxiously awaiting to see what this year brings!" What a PERFECT way to put it Jennifer :)

no real news on the adoption front. but i did receive an email from our social worker today telling me we need to redo our fingerprints. lovely. they expire on march 13, so i have to get a letter out this weekend to request updated fingerprints. we will have to take time off work to drive up to kansas city for this. i'm a little annoyed but at least we don't have to pay again. michael is just excited to go to whole foods. he's pretty easy to please :) we still have no idea when we will be out of pgn, but if all goes well (no kick-out's) then we should be out the beginning of February, then travel is approximately 5-7 weeks after that. so, barring any further complications, we are looking at mid-march. but who freaking knows if this is how it will go. mid-march sounds good to me though, it actually doesn't even sound very far away! especially considering we have SEVERAL things to do around the house before she comes home! we started on some things yesterday . . . maybe i'll post my list soon so i can get excited to "mark" things off!