time passing us by . . .

time seems to keep moving . . . very quickly . . . and we still don't have our daughter. how do i feel about this? ANGRY today. probably ANNOYED tomorrow. and probably SAD the day after. this seems to be my normal, never-ending cycle. of course i still have no news to report. 2 nights ago i went into Stella's closet and went through all her stuff. i started organizing her clothes into sizes. i just needed to be around her things. things that hopefully soon she will be wearing and playing with. it feels wrong for me to ask "why me" because i am not BY ANY MEANS the only person to be going through this. but, here i am, asking it nonetheless. i feel ashamed to even type that. i am SO BLESSED in SO MANY WAYS. yet, i feel this hole in my life. a hole that seems as though it may never be filled. sometimes i can ignore the feeling. other times i feel like there's no room to feel anything else, like the feeling will just swollow me up.

new photos

we received new pictures and a medical update yesterday. the pictures were taken on August 9. she weighed 14 pounds and was 60 cm tall. she is healthy, active, social, smiles, and holds her head up. she is absolutely beautiful. she is getting big and we aren't even IN family court yet. i'm depressed about it again. why oh WHY does this have to be such an emotional roller coaster?

more pictures.

This was taken (we think) at Stella's 3 month dr appt. We received this set of photos on July 9.

This was taken (we think) at her 2 month dr appt. We received this set of photos on June 19.

*I was SO SO SO excited when we got the second set of photos. Then, when I received the third set it really hit me that we are missing SO MUCH. I think she has changed SO SO SO much between our referral photos and her 3 month photos. She looks like SUCH a big girl now! AND, she is FOUR months old now. Obviously she has grown even more . . . I wish we could put her in a bubble until we get her!!! This waiting is so much harder than I expected. I'm usually ok until I get pictures. Then it hits me all over again.

*I've been thinking alot lately about the kind of mom I want to be. I want to be the mom that just does everything I do now with Stella in tow. I want to be the mom that has more patience than I ever thought possible. I want to be the mom that never yells. I want to be the mom that is always happy. I want to be the mom that always knows what to do and how to do it. I want to be the mom that "always knows", even when noone tells her. I want to be the mom that is always prepared and always on time. I want to be the mom that always has a clean house. These are just a FEW of the things I want to be. But, I'm not sure I'll ever be any of these things. These are the things my mom is, not the things I am. It's so difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that I am a mom. Most of the time I don't feel old enough to be a mom. Obviously I am and I want to be one more than anything, it's just so ODD to think of myself this way. I just keep telling myself that it will all come . . . eventually. Currently though I am an impatient, yeller who is happy part of the time. [read: can't stand to wait for ANYTHING - yell when I'm happy, mad and everything in between :) - not always one to look on the bright side of things.] I also never seem to know what to do or how to do it. I can usually figure it out, but I never just know. (I think that was kindof a "look on the bright side" comment!!!! Maybe that's a turn in the right direction!!!) My mom ALWAYS ALWAYS knows EVERYTHING even when I don't tell her . . . how is that?!?!?!?!?! I'm hoping the day we get Stella I inherit that quality. Always prepared (usually I think) - always on time?!?!?! not so much. I used to be on time always. Then, I married Michael. Now, I seem to run on his time (which seems to be in another category all-together.) Clean house? Well, considering I work 2 jobs right now and we are trying to get a business off the ground that's a big fat NEGATIVE and it drives me CRAZY!!!! I love having a clean house, but the time to do it is another story. Obviously when Stella comes home things will be changing, but right now this is me. And my life is I-N-S-A-N-E. OUR life is insane. If you told me a year ago that this is where we would be and how our lives would be I would have laughed in your face. When we lived in South Carolina we were so different. But I have to admit that I love our life. Even when it is hard and waiting for Stella seems INFINITE, I would not change a thing. We have learned so much about ourselves over the past year and are so much stronger than we thought we were. Although I am SO SO SO ready for a change. And her name is Stella. She already holds my heart.

Jill's Bachelorette - Steamboat Springs CO 7/28/07

Went to Denver for my Jilli's bachelorette party. We then drove to Steamboat Springs for the festivities. It was more fun than I bargained for. Worth every moment and then some. And the drama from the weekend continues . . . but that's another story . . . one NOT to be told in blogland :)

June 9, 2007 Shower Photos

Laura, me and Jill : they drove to my parents the morning of the shower. I can't wait for you BOTH to meet Stella! She will love you as much as I do!

Me, Ma, my Aunt Sharon and Aunt Ginnie : wish I got to spend more time with ALL of them!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

Gifts for Stella :) Now I just need her so I can figure out how to use it all!

Me and my momma! Wouldn't know what to do without her! I LOVE YOU MOMMA!

Drinking mimosas YUMMY! they went down REALLY easy!

Angel, me & Chi : they flew all the way from South Carolina to host my baby shower. These are AMAZING girls and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them with all my heart!

update - sortof.

well, after I got an email from Melissa wondering if things were ok i decided i should probably post something. things are still moving along . . . very VERY slowly. i've been quite frustrated with the entire thing (and rather down) so i decided to hold off on posting. the shower my friends threw was SO SO SO much fun :) i have the best friends ever. i just wish they all lived closer. i will post pictures soon, i promise. it's really wierd to have baby stuff in the house now. her room is still very bare. i need to start working on it, but haven't felt like doing it just yet. still seems too far away. the video we received was shot the same time as her referral photos and she slept throught the WHOLE thing . . . but we did get to hear her breathe! we got 3 month photos last month and she has already changed so much. it's just so difficult to watch her grow from afar. makes me feel so separate from her.

in good news our credit card was charged for DNA, so hopefully we will find out that tid bit on our next case update (which seem to be coming few and far between). i will try to post her 2 month & 3 month pics soon. work has been IN-SANE lately. as usual. just bogged down with everything this summer. i seem to be traveling and traveling so as soon as i get caught up at work, i'll take some time to add some photo updates :) and of course if any exciting news comes my way you will all hear about it!

shower and other NEWS.

well, on saturday i had my very first baby shower! it was so fun to get stuff for Stella! being the center of attention is never very exciting for me . . . always a little uncomfortable . . . but i still had fun! the food was SO SO GOOD. it was a brunch as the shower was from 1030am till 1230 pm. we had french toast, egg stuffed tortillas with salsa, lots of fruit, spinich quiche, mimosas (EXTRA YUMMY!), and cupcakes of course! there were 2 games that were really cute and wrapped hershey bars as favors. they made me a diaper cake and were the best hostesses ever! after the shower 2 of my friends stayed and we all swam in the pool that afternoon then my parents made us all dinner. i think it was fun for them to have a house full of girls like they used to! we drove back home late that night and made it back a little after midnight. we were all exhausted and i'm still tired today! i'm so so so grateful for my girls! they know me so well and made the shower just as i would've if i had done it myself! i'll post pictures as soon as i can (pics are on my mom's camera).

in OTHER NEWS :
i received an email from our sw this morning telling us that the national office just received VIDEO FOOTAGE of Stella!!!!!!!!!!!! i am SO SO SO SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!! they will be sending it in the mail - nothing like keeping us in suspense! also, we are having a conference call in the morning with our agency director of the guatemala program. i'm trying to make a list of questions to ask about the whole process - any suggestions????